After 30 years, it’s time to shed the self-doubts.
Thirty years ago I was raped. It happened in a deserted beach area. I was just walking along and enjoying the scenery. A man suddenly appeared out of nowhere, grabbed my wrist, and said that if I didn’t resist, I wouldn’t get hurt.
I didn’t fight him. But not because I chose not to. There was absolutely no “fight” in me! My body had instantly become limp and useless.
The entire experience was over in minutes, and he sauntered away casually. I never reported him because in those days our attitude about these things was different.
I thought at the time that it was my fault, because I believed I shouldn’t have been strolling along a deserted beach. Foolhardy!
For two years, I thought constantly about guns and dogs. I wanted one of each for protection.
Feelings of shame
Over the years, the most disturbing thing to me was the fact that I didn’t experience rage and a powerful desire to scratch his eyes out at the time of the attack.
Over and over again, I have sadly accepted the fact that when attacked, I crumple up and become weak and ineffective. It’s been a private source of shame for many years.
But last week, something happened that changed this perception forever.
For 25 years I have taught literature and creative writing to 11th and 12th grade students. Last week, one of my girls came into my class crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she explained that her boyfriend had smashed her up against a wall during an argument at lunch, and that now she was afraid of him and simply wanted him to leave her alone.
I sent a note over to the teacher who had him that hour, and explained the situation to her. I asked her not to “release him” when the bell rang, until I had walked my student to her parents’ car.
She wrote back that she’d have him stay after a class a few minutes to give me some time.
The Confrontation
The final bell rang and my student and I were just about to leave, when the door suddenly flew open and the 6-foot ex-boyfriend came rushing into the room yelling that he wanted to talk to her.
His manner suggested violence, not talk, and I blocked his way.
He thrust me aside (grounds for immediate expulsion!) and went after her. I grabbed him and tried to push him out the door.
Kids were gathering at the door, and I yelled at them to go get help. “Jim” continued to grab me by the wrists and tried to move past me, but I fought him just as heard. There was simply no way I would let him get near her.
I felt rage and a focus of intent beyond anything I had ever known before.
We continued to push and shove this way and that for what felt like 20 minutes but was probably no more than three.
Finally three men came in from the guidance office and it took all three of them to restrain him.
Later he was expelled from both the school and the district.
Victory at LastBut the personal “win” for me was profound. I will never forget how strong I suddenly became when my student was being threatened. I was filled with rage and strength beyond anything I’d ever experienced before.
I was exhilarated for days!
Maybe, we have all of our life lessons recorded on little metaphorical 3-by-5 cards deep in our consciousness.
My internal “cards” fluttered for a week, while the new information inserted itself.
Empowerment is delicious!